Darkest Preceding the Dawn.

It's so close now I can feel it.
The deep, enforced silence of a long held breath is now punctuated by the anticipation of it's release. The frustration of a voice unheard for want of anything to say and a mind stimulated only by the echo of it's own emptiness is almost at an end.
The implications, not of that said, but of that left unsaid are magnified rather than diminished by the passage of time and transfer the gravity of their significance to the person least able to bear it. Even now in the shadow of inevitability it seems all this could have been avoided.
How did it come to this?
But it's almost over now, I am achingly close to the end, so near to the turning point of this. If I can just keep my focus long enough to breach the mental pain barrier and make it safely to the other side, then there is hope. This emotional wall is just another obstacle to be overcome on the path to becoming everything I could be or regaining some of that which I was.
It's true enough that I am a man compromised, a man who gleefully accepts any role offered to him or circumstance thrown at him which offers some kind of opportunity for engaging in industrious productivity in exchange for praise and positive reinforcement but I am not the slave I have turned myself into.
I have many duties but chief amongst them is my latest acquired purpose, that of keeping myself from thinking about things which don't concern me even if they happen to cause me concern.
The direct responsibilities of this duty as charged are burden enough.
The post held, being that of Chief Adjudicator in a case of conspiracy to complicity in an act of negligence through implied unquestioning obedience by mutual consent.
The accused is myself and I don't need a jury of peers to tell me I'm guilty.
However I don't intend to punish myself. I have served enough time already for a different crime and am satisfied that my debt has already been paid in advance and my rehabilitation into society is complete.
So I am finally leaving this mental prison of my own construction, an early release on parole for good behavior and as I step through the gates and return to the reality of the outside world, I know that I don't ever intend to go back to that place again.
Welcome back to freedom, I've missed you.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  Things are now in motion which cannot be undone.
The spark has become a flame and as the wheels, which have been standing idle for far too long,slowly grind back to life shaking off the accumulated dust from years of inactivity,the consequences of this self imposed period of hibernation become all too evident. Everything seems so much harder than it was,requires more effort, more concentration and yields it's rewards much less easily.
I have been away too long,so much has happened and I have been out of the loop for what would seem like an eternity in terms of progress.It seems everyone and everything moved on while I was deliberately stood still, just trying to make sense of what had happened. I went into a kind of emotional and intellectual coma to try to give myself time to mend and heal and my recovery took longer than anyone expected. I know I will never be able to catch up now,I am too far behind,too out of touch.I am redundant.
So here I am hopelessly out of synch with my own life,separated from the world behind a sheet of unbreakable glass, watching all the people I know in it move at a pace I cant hope to keep up with and all the time they are getting further and further away from me. I do not begrudge them their foray into the unchartered territory of the future whilst I lag behind. I just wish I could be there with them instead of always arriving one step behind and having to look at things in wonderment on my own because by the time I get there the novelty has already worn off for them and they have moved on again.

Is there a way out of this? Well I have given this a great deal of thought. I thought about not giving a shit. The problem is I cant help but care that I no longer exist in my own right, but unfortunately there is no reason for anyone else to care and me not giving a shit just renders me even more invisible to people and makes it less likely that anyone might remember why they liked me in the first place. But I have had enough and I can no longer accept that within the sphere of consciousness of almost everyone I once knew,I am now just an accessory to another individual. It seems now that the only place I still maintain any element of respect from other people, because of who I am, is at work.
So what's to be done? The only thing I can do. I learn from the example of those around me and do things for myself. Make things happen by myself to make me happy and fulfilled, sounds a little selfish to me! Well fuck you. I no longer care.

I am the Dead Apprentice and I am going to reclaim my life one piece at a time. I will live it at my own speed and anyone who wants to be a part of it is welcome along for the ride. Otherwise be advised get the fuck out of my way.

It speaks, but does it dance?

As diversionary tactics go and as far as distractions are acceptable, this even to my mind is somewhat of a head fuck. Yet another day goes by with more questions posed than answers provided. 

My personal jealousies are set aside and still my path is strewn with reasons to be fearful, all irrational and so just more things to feel guilty about feeling. Which seems a shame when you bear in mind I've only recently returned to being able to acknowledge feeling anything.

So all thanks to my epiphany and the emotional landslide that was unleashed when the reinforced watertight doors were finally opened. Now I can feel things in a way even I'd forgotten possible and to be honest even though I know I'm mentally better off for it, to say the least it's taking some getting used to. 

But what's the real benefit of releasing the pressure? and not having to attempt to repress everything, only to be disappointed when some kind of feeling seeps through a crack and reveals the weaknesses in my defenses? Well I'm more relaxed now. But with the relaxation comes the dubious bonus of a kind of self imposed ambivalence to things I should probably have a reasonable cause to object to. 

If I cant think of a good reason to justify feeling upset or disappointed or scared? do I ultimately just accept everything that happens unquestioningly whether it seems right or not, fair or unfair? Where does that leave me? 

Answers on a postcard please.

In the shadow of an Angel with glitter on her wings.

I'll never shine as brightly as her and that's fine because I'm not in competition with this girl. I love her because she shines as brightly as she does. I just know that the brighter she shines the more I appear dull and ordinary in comparison. Eventually even she might notice what I have known for too long. 

But so what? You love her. You know for a fact that you love her.

But do you love her enough to admit that someone else could love her better than you could? Ooh that is a tricky one! 

You've always loved this girl. From day one, minute one, first sight even.  You never had to um and ah over it or give it some time or any kind of trial period you just felt it.

You've known her for two thirds of her life nearly and have been with her through thick and thin, good times and bad and (oh I see where you're going with this) you think you deserve her by rights? Don't you? Well you don't.

You've never known why you fell in love with this girl and maybe you still couldn't come up with a reason and hey news flash that is the reason! You don't have to think you're in love with her, you feel it, you just know it. So stop trying to figure out whether you deserve her or not and panicking that she loves someone else and get on with loving her better than anyone else. That's your job after all and in all the time you'd spent worrying about whether or not she was leaving you for another man you could have realised for certain that even if she did leave you it wouldn't be for another man it would be because you've stopped loving her well enough.

Awaking the Dead Apprentice

I used to be somebody. 

I think maybe I even had opinions that counted. People cared what I thought long enough to let me finish a sentence. So how did it come to this? Where not even what's left of my own close friends and family really care whether I'm around or not as long as I continue to exist so they don't have to deal with the ramifications should that no longer be the case. Christ I was a fucking person once in my own right. I had stuff to say about music and films and people would listen and therein lies the problem. I have nothing to say anymore. But why? fortunately I know why, but regrettably it turns out it's my own fault and that's fine. So I'm responsible for ruining my own life and so responsible for putting it back together. Oh sorry that would be too easy. You still need willing volunteers to sacrifice their time in order to revalidate your existence. Precious few people now remember the person I once was and too many have resigned themselves to tolerating the person I am now and have been for many years so why would they want to spend time getting to know you again. Somewhere something went badly wrong. I went badly wrong. I want to put this right I want the people who used to hang on my every word but now hang on the words of others to fucking listen to me again. I have woken up. I am alone and I am very very angry.